Dear Diary,

It's getting very close to the point that I have to face this insecurity. I must go to this family reunion, I must do it so that I can know these people whom I have no relationship with. It could be fun, right?

I have grown up for the better part of my life not knowing my fathers side of the family. I didn't know them, because I hardly knew my father. I always felt like the one who didn't belong, the one who said the wrong things, or was too annoying. I never felt like family with these people. Granted, we only saw eachother at funerals, 2 funerals my whole life, that's probably the problem.

I really have this need to feel accepted by these people who have shown no interest in me or my family. That just stumps me. I have been battling this "I'm not good enough" voice in my head as long as I can remember. It makes me feel like I have the plaque. I just want to be comfortable in my skin. I want to be proud of me and what I can do and can't do regardless if it's silly to them.

I do know that I like Aunt A and Uncle L. Uncle L. Is very silly and has joked around with me a lot. (Well as much as a lot can be on no more than 5 visits) He was great with my daughter, and that wins major points with me. I also know Uncle J. Who is nearly my fathers twin. (at funeral #2, I thought he was my Dad. That's how little I saw my father then) He shared a very neat letter with me that my Dad had written when I was born.

I know "of" the others. I don't know names or faces or ages. I don't know who belongs with who or what they like or don't. I want to know, and I suppose that is the purpose of the reunion. Whatever happens I must be okay with me......MUST.....I gotta cure this insecurity.

I had a great lunch date with my moms cousin Carol several months back. I call her Aunt Carol, because she has always shown interest in me and what I was up too, good or bad. While we were chatting she was able to break things down quite a bit. Our discussion was only Moms side of the family related, but I am sure that it could be easily be transferred to the feelings I have about the other side. I need to call her, we are overdue for lunch.

So, the reunion is the 5th. Please think good thoughts. I am dragging hubby along as his is my security blanket. Oh- and it's a camping reunion, which means that they will see me in the morning......A whole new bucket of issues there.....ugh

End of Pitty party.