Crafty Christy

Hey listen, this post is going to be horribly whiny and gross. I'm being such a wimp right now that I can barely stand it, but it's 1am. There no one else to vent too. I guess you drew the short straw.

I know that my certain little area of heartache and grief as a Military wife are not even close to the situations of others. I have always said that there are others far worse off than I, and I do remember that as I type out all my tears here tonight. I'm lucky. I know that. When stuff happens as it's never happened before and there is no rhyme or reason sometimes it just turns the knife and makes it seem unbearable for a quick cry and a brief pull your shit together talk to your inner most core. I'll get over it. I have no other option.

See, the Hub has been home with a broken leg. He's been home for 3 months. Constant contact 24/7 for 3 months. His ship is out testing for future deployments and he is not on it. He is here. We were given a date of when he would fly out to the boat. That date was a few weeks away. Today, just about 3 hours ago it was moved up to less than 48 hours and he flies out. We have out of town plans that now have to be canceled, kids hearts to break and a wife who at this very moment feels horribly unprepared.

I knew he was going to have to go, heck after all the 24/7 the last few months I was kinda looking forward to it. We had a date, a plan. We haven't breathed a word of this to the kids because it was still pretty far away. and what pisses me off the most is that he is being flown down there to do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING except wait for the boat in another location away from his family. FUCKING STUPID. I'm losing all my manners and I really am sorry about all that, but I am just so sick and tired of having to hear my kids go through this grief process. and how the hell do you say in the morning that Dad has to go back to the boat tomorrow? How can I look them in the eye and give them NO WARNING? I can't do it. Except for the fact that I have to do it. I have no choice. None. zero. I have no control.

My daughter asked me the other day on the way home from school if she was going to stay in the same school this year instead of moving. She's been to 3 schools, she's in 2nd grade. It's horrible. I feel guilty that she has to wonder about those things.

4 more years, 3 if I want to distort the image a bit in my head. Sometimes that helps. Daughter will be 10, son will be 6 and I never, ever want to move again.

Military has it's perks. Good perks. I just wish the unknown was more predictable. I HATE losing control, HA like I had any in the first place........I especially hate 48 hour notices when they've had 3 fucking months to plan for this.

So anyway- I'm here crying at the computer because I can't cry up in bed, and I wouldn't be able to sleep anyway. It's gonna be an all niter with a side of crying headache in the morning. I can't talk to the hub cause that would just turn this facial facet to pour and he's got enough going on to worry about my little emotional blah. He's just happy to go back to work. I can understand that.

This post might not see the light of day. It's embarrassing. but hey, you're a good ear and a strong shoulder. Thanks.