- Main Entry:
- suc·cess·ful
- Pronunciation:
- \-fəl\
- Function:
- adjective
- Date:
- 1588
1 : resulting or terminating in success successful attempt>
2 : gaining or having gained success successful investor>
2 : gaining or having gained success successful investor>
— suc·cess·ful·ness noun
Today, I can only define success as something I am not. Isn't that crappy? It's a shame really. Previously in my life I have had some success. I graduated from Basic Training in the Air Force, which no one expected I could, or would do. I graduated from Tech school for the Air Force at nearly the top of my class. Both of these accomplishments are and were great emotional highs for me. I was able to prove a lot of nay sayers (including myself) wrong. I was good at something.
In a way I miss those days. I miss being requested by doctors to assist in surgeries, requested before higher ranking medics. The docs all recognized a success in me somewhere. They asked for me by name, a little E-3 pee-on over an E-5or E-7. That's huge in the military. I'm really proud of that.
I chose a relationship over those feelings because at the time the relationship felt incredibly successful. I had other goals I wanted to reach too. I wanted to be a mom and a wife and have a nice cozy family to call my own. I left the Air Force to be able to stay with my family. At the time it was a great decision. I still feel like it was the right decision. However, now I do not feel successful.
When I look closely at who I am, I can not over look the fact that I am a mess. I am an emotional mess, a physical mess, and in general just a messy person. None of these are purposeful qualities obviously. They are within me and they project into everything I touch.
Presently I am in the relationship I left the military for. Success? After 8 years I would say so. I am a Mom to the worlds cutest 2 kiddos. A success? For sure! Put them all together and call it a success? I'm not so sure.
I don't juggle well, and that is an understatement. I can not seem to hold onto two things at once and make them both reach their maximum potential at the same time. I try like hell, but always end up dropping one. This is why I bounce around so much. I get tired of playing Mommy all day (not being a Mom, just the variety that stay home all day) so I get a job. I do great at the job for awhile and then start missing being a home Mommy so I quit and return to the nest. This pattern has repeated it's self several times, over and over. The solution obviously is to pick one and stick with it. Well, I've done that. Which brings me to the next issue on success.
I've chosen to be an at home Mom. I do love it, and I cherish the time and opportunities that my Mom didn't have. I love being able to go on field trips with my daughters class. I am very fortunate to be able to be here for the Speech therapist when she comes to work with my son.
One hard fact is that this job I have does not project success. No matter what you do, how you do it, or the quality you feel about the job, it doesn't scream success.
In a way I feel success through my husband. He is a top notch, go to guy at work. If it needs to be done, he's there and accomplishes his missions with incredible success. He has the respect of nearly everyone in his division and he knows he is the thread that holds it all together. That is incredibly attractive to me. I live a career womans life through his eyes. Only he is the one really making it happen.
So what is a hard working, incredibly successful guy attracted to? Surely not the woman he returns home too who is exhausted after cleaning up the same mess every ten minutes, or the woman who has been so busy that day that she hasn't had time for a shower (sometimes in more than 2 days, eeewww, I know!) He returns home to a mess. Me. This house. This relationship. All of it messy.
Add to the mix a very successful woman at the same job. She must be a professional juggler. She is a single mom, a go to gal herself. She has her shit together. She has lost weight he says. She is his friend. She is the package deal. He would rather have a conversation with her. Would rather hear about her day. In the back of his mind I wouldn't doubt that somedays he wishes she was the one to return home too.
Guess what that does to the the fire at home? Picture sitting by a camp fire that is burning strong, you feel worm and peaceful. Now dump a pail of water over it and stir it up. What do ya have now? A big pile of what used to be something beautiful. Then decide you want to rebuild the fire because you miss it terribly. Except, you just drowned it, everything is wet, nothing will burn. You have no fire, and nothing to rebuild with.
Thats how I feel. I feel like the under dog to a situation that I have had a hand in creating. I am a smothered fire, sometimes you see a spark, but it's not enough. And what's worse is the fact that I can't blame her. (GOD I hate that) because she is everything I am not.....
She is successful.
Today, I can only define success as something I am not. Isn't that crappy? It's a shame really. Previously in my life I have had some success. I graduated from Basic Training in the Air Force, which no one expected I could, or would do. I graduated from Tech school for the Air Force at nearly the top of my class. Both of these accomplishments are and were great emotional highs for me. I was able to prove a lot of nay sayers (including myself) wrong. I was good at something.
In a way I miss those days. I miss being requested by doctors to assist in surgeries, requested before higher ranking medics. The docs all recognized a success in me somewhere. They asked for me by name, a little E-3 pee-on over an E-5or E-7. That's huge in the military. I'm really proud of that.
I chose a relationship over those feelings because at the time the relationship felt incredibly successful. I had other goals I wanted to reach too. I wanted to be a mom and a wife and have a nice cozy family to call my own. I left the Air Force to be able to stay with my family. At the time it was a great decision. I still feel like it was the right decision. However, now I do not feel successful.
When I look closely at who I am, I can not over look the fact that I am a mess. I am an emotional mess, a physical mess, and in general just a messy person. None of these are purposeful qualities obviously. They are within me and they project into everything I touch.
Presently I am in the relationship I left the military for. Success? After 8 years I would say so. I am a Mom to the worlds cutest 2 kiddos. A success? For sure! Put them all together and call it a success? I'm not so sure.
I don't juggle well, and that is an understatement. I can not seem to hold onto two things at once and make them both reach their maximum potential at the same time. I try like hell, but always end up dropping one. This is why I bounce around so much. I get tired of playing Mommy all day (not being a Mom, just the variety that stay home all day) so I get a job. I do great at the job for awhile and then start missing being a home Mommy so I quit and return to the nest. This pattern has repeated it's self several times, over and over. The solution obviously is to pick one and stick with it. Well, I've done that. Which brings me to the next issue on success.
I've chosen to be an at home Mom. I do love it, and I cherish the time and opportunities that my Mom didn't have. I love being able to go on field trips with my daughters class. I am very fortunate to be able to be here for the Speech therapist when she comes to work with my son.
One hard fact is that this job I have does not project success. No matter what you do, how you do it, or the quality you feel about the job, it doesn't scream success.
In a way I feel success through my husband. He is a top notch, go to guy at work. If it needs to be done, he's there and accomplishes his missions with incredible success. He has the respect of nearly everyone in his division and he knows he is the thread that holds it all together. That is incredibly attractive to me. I live a career womans life through his eyes. Only he is the one really making it happen.
So what is a hard working, incredibly successful guy attracted to? Surely not the woman he returns home too who is exhausted after cleaning up the same mess every ten minutes, or the woman who has been so busy that day that she hasn't had time for a shower (sometimes in more than 2 days, eeewww, I know!) He returns home to a mess. Me. This house. This relationship. All of it messy.
Add to the mix a very successful woman at the same job. She must be a professional juggler. She is a single mom, a go to gal herself. She has her shit together. She has lost weight he says. She is his friend. She is the package deal. He would rather have a conversation with her. Would rather hear about her day. In the back of his mind I wouldn't doubt that somedays he wishes she was the one to return home too.
Guess what that does to the the fire at home? Picture sitting by a camp fire that is burning strong, you feel worm and peaceful. Now dump a pail of water over it and stir it up. What do ya have now? A big pile of what used to be something beautiful. Then decide you want to rebuild the fire because you miss it terribly. Except, you just drowned it, everything is wet, nothing will burn. You have no fire, and nothing to rebuild with.
Thats how I feel. I feel like the under dog to a situation that I have had a hand in creating. I am a smothered fire, sometimes you see a spark, but it's not enough. And what's worse is the fact that I can't blame her. (GOD I hate that) because she is everything I am not.....
She is successful.
9 comments:
You may think she has everything, but remember, the grass only looks greener on the other side. It sounds to me like you and hubby need some time togeter, just the 2 of you. You both need to talk about your expecations, wants, and needs. Don't give up on him, and don't give up on yourself.
There is a major point of success here that you didn't point out... I LOVE YOU! Not her. There are several people that I have looked up to or respected throughout my life, a couple of them women. But that doesn't mean that I love them... nor does it mean I love you any less. We both have fault with our "pail of water" fire... maybe we should just start a new fire together in a new fire pit!
Don't be so hard on yourself. I too gave up a good job (I would jump at the chance to have it back) to be a stay at home mom.
Now I have 3 teens who are well adjusted and get good grades. I think that is success.
Someone told me once that when all is said and done, it's going to be YOU and HIM...the kids will be gone to their own life. You have to make him your number one priority....you want to be the center of his universe and he wants to feel needed by you. (read one of the Dr. Phil relationhip books...it may help to see what I'm saying...most of all, don't give up)
Hey Christy something no one has said here except Priscilla is.... Your kids are your success. If you teach them well and help them along the way they will become something that you can be proud of! That makes you very successful! Somedays most stay at home moms feel the exact same way you do. Get someone to take the kids for you, Put on something sexy and have a wonderful night with your hubby. Things will be ok!
{{{HUGS}}}
{hugs} Oh Christy, I feel your pain! It's NOT EASY being an at-home mom. Nobody ever says it but some days it really stinks. When my kids were little was the worst. I was not on the ball. I'm one of those "single process" type people too and have always had to deal with the over-educated over-achieving stay at home moms of the bay area. OYE! It will get easier as the kids get older. They turn into wonderful well adjusted people and a big reason for that is from having mom at home. They are benefiting from your presence, it just takes a long time for that to become obvious. Let life be what it is, nobody's perfect and neither is life. And yes, the grass is always greener... A little time alone with hub will go a long way.
Personally, I think you are awesome Christy...and very successful..you are a great mom and friend and you are so talented. Hang in there!!!
Love, Aunt Jenny
I don't define success by a job title. Don't you do that, either. Success is what you are doing now, Christy. Holy, girl, if you want the most important job in the world.. you already have it. I truly hope you feel better about this very soon. I think what you do is incredibly successful. And you're cute as a button. : ) He's a lucky man.
Just my opinion, but I think all stay at home moms feel like this at some point. I certainly have.
I just read this blog, since I havent been on in quite a while....You are successful! You are a wonderful person, you have 2 really great kids! I dont know what would make you more successful than that. I think that you need to take some time and work on yourself. You have to feel better about YOU! You have to look in the mirror and notice some really great stuff about yourself. Tell yourself that you are worth more than just some random girl! The grass isnt always greener....hell figure it out. And if not then good riddance. And I know that we dont talk mcuh because he dosent want you talking to me anymore. But I hope that you know that I am here if you need to talk. I know how you feel, I have been there....And I am not a Hypecrit! ( I know thats wrong!)Unlike some people. I realize that you are probably not going to post this response, but as long as you read it and know that I am here...Thats good enough for me.
Stephanie
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